Understanding Abusive Relationships

Strictly speaking in terms of human relationships, abuse is an unfair treatment of a person by another in order to unfairly gain what one wants. There are more than fifty shades to it. It can be verbal, physical, or emotional. Playing with another person’s body or mind to get what you want is downright abusive. Sometimes a person being abused has no cognizance of it and abuse forms a pattern that repeats itself over and over again. The relationship oscillates between periods of abuse and care. And the person being abused is trapped in this vicious circle without realizing it. 

There are four phases that play out again and again in an abusive relationship in a circular pattern:

-Tension building – This stage is a prelude to an abusive incident. It could take multiple forms depending on the context of the relationship. A bickering couple, a spurned lover, a mean boss, or a controlling parent among many others. It is hallmarked by unexpressed anger and feelings and small acts of meanness. Conversations are awkward and there is negative energy around. The abuser sniffs around to find an opportunity to release it all. 

-Abusive incident – This is when the stress balloon is finally punctured. Any small occurrence could be used as a trigger by the abuser. This is the ultimate lash out. Emotions peak and there is all the drama that characterizes an abusive incident. The assault could be physical or verbal or sometimes emotional. Crying out or threatening to self harm are also ways that an abuser employs sometimes. The abuser is not always an aggressor, sometimes dons the

garb of a manipulator.

-Attempt to rationalize – This is a cool down stage after the intense HIIT routine rage and drama. This is when the abuser resorts to all possible ways and means to rationalise what happened – an apology, denial, or some supremely creative excuses. Making it impossible for the person being abused to not melt. Promises to start over or never allowing this to happen again are made. And the object of abuse gets deceived into a new beginning.

-Honeymoon – This phase is all flowers and unicorns. Everything is hunky dory, sometimes too good to be true. The abused almost forgets what had transpired. The abusive incident gets relegated to the dungeon of forgotten memories. This is the perfect segway to the start of the cycle. The charmed abused does not anticipate the same pattern of events, no matter how many times it has repeated itself.   

The cycle repeats. It is not a rude shock but there are subtle and incremental changes in the direction of the next abusive incident.

We have some stereotypes of abuse in our heads. Here are few that need to be broken to identify abuse correctly

-Man is always the abuser – Nothing could be farther from the truth. Women are equally capable of being abusive.

-Abuse is only physical – While the most severe cases of abuse could involve sexual aggression and physical harm, words can be equally wounding and abusive. Psychological abuse is even more subtle but as abrasive – where the abuser deliberately puts the abused under stressful circumstances.

-Abuse is visible – As mentioned before, sometimes abuse can be so subliminal that neither the person being abused, nor the spectators can view it with naked eye.

-Only the marginalized are abused – Abuse is all-pervasive and finds its place even in the highest echelons of civil society. Even a leader of the country can be abused by scheming politicians. The ones with the thickest spines also have vulnerable moments.

The obvious fact that abuse is wrong and harmful for individuals and societies does not need to be reiterated. A safe society is were one can interact with the members without being abused. However, every society has obnoxious psychopathic elements that thrive on abusing others.

Abusers do not always come in the form of downright criminals. They can be spouses, uncles, CEOs or intense lovers. We need frameworks to identify and contain abusers. Spreading awareness and educating people about personal rights and space is a proactive measure. Psychological counseling and support for victims is a must to help them live

a life that they deserve. Most importantly, we need to deal with abusers. Policies to penalize wrongdoings can serve as a deterrent. Psychological counseling of abusers is also important not just to reform them but to understand how as a society, we can, not raise more of them.