Do you suffer from Relationship Anxiety? 

Most of us grow up on the idea of happily ever after. Even for those who come from dysfunctional or broken families, movies seed the idea, that a better reality is possible. That relationships can be perfect and dreamy. As we start growing up the reality starts sinking in. We begin to see that friction and conflict in any relationship are unavoidable.

No matter how much you love your partner or how committed to the relationship he or she is, there are bumps on the road.

However, a worthwhile relationship is the one where you have more happy moments than anxious ones. The amazing thing is that when you are in a relationship with a good person, most of your relationship issues can be resolved once you learn to manage your insecurities.

Feeling insecure about a relationship is normal. Even when you are in a rock-solid relationship with a gem of a person, you could get worried and anxious. “Anxiety adds another level of stress to a relationship,” says Beth Esposito, MS, LPCC-S, LSW, of Samaritan Behavioral Health. Thoughts like is she hiding something, does he want to break-up, may she does not find me attractive, will it last, is he the right for person for you and many more in similar vein can float in

your head without any external triggers. This could happen even when you have built deep trust and understanding in the relationship. This constant worrying and second guessing is called relationship anxiety. And it is quite common. Population studies point to strong associations between an anxiety disorder in one partner and perceptions of poor marital quality by both partners (e.g., McLeod, 1994).

Signs that you have relationship anxiety

-Do I even matter to him/her? – You find yourself constantly wondering if you matter to your partner. You struggle with thoughts like would he stand by me when I am in dire straits, or does she even miss me when I am not around, or if I stopped cooking for him, would he still love me. There is no rationale here. These thoughts come out of nowhere.   

-Does he/she love me as much? – You always doubt your partner’s love for you. A missed call or an un-responded

message is all it could take to lead you down this thinking. Not everyone is equally expressive or knows how to give surprises, that is by no means due to lack of love. But to your insecure mind it is always because of dried up love.

-He/she wants to break up – An insecure mind always lives on the edge. Even when things are hunky dory, it thinks that it is too good to be true and will be over soon. This fear makes you try too hard to stick to the relationship. To the extent, that you do not bring up issues with your partner, ignore their trespasses and hide your frustration.

-It is not meant to be – Even when they do not give you a reason, you are sceptical about long term compatibility. You nit-pick and scout for points of contention. You neglect the moments with your partner as all your headspace is full of worries about the future. In your obsession with long-term bliss, you mar the precious “here and now” moments.

What causes it?

There are multiple factors that can give rise to these irrational feelings of insecurity in a relationship. Here are some common ones:

-Bad experiences in the past – Toxic and tumultuous relationships can scar you for life. If you have been cheated on, lied to, or abused in a relationship, the memory stays imprinted on your brain long after the relationship is over. It leads to deep-rooted trust issues. It takes a lot of work and therapy to not allow it to sour all your future experiences

 -Low self-esteem – When you do not have a high opinion of yourself, you always feel that you are falling short or that you are not good enough. No matter how much your partner reassures you, the feeling persists. And the logical fall out of this feeling is the fear that it will be over soon, or that your partner is cheating on you, or does not find you attractive or any other calamitic outcome.

-Attachment style – We all develop an attachment style from our childhood that is based on our relationship with our primary care givers. When we are emotionally well taken care of as kids, we grow into secure adults. When we are not, we become either avoidant or anxious in the way we attach ourselves to people. Either we get scared of being too attached or we get overly anxious about being continuously loved.

Manging relationship anxiety

Maintain your identity – Do not let the relationship consume your sense of self. While a relationship calls for adjustment, the changes you make should not shake the core of who you are. Altering your behaviour and lifestyle to meet your partner’s expectations is bound to end up in disaster. If you do not like going to clubs, do not pretend that you do.

Be mindful – Mindfulness is a panacea that works for all ills of the mind and body. You must try to stay in the present and not divert your energies to the future. Try to savour and appreciate what you have right now. Overanalysing and overintellectualizing will do you no good.

Talk and Listen – It sounds too basic to even mention but most people neglect communication. Unsaid words and uncomfortable silences are the best fodder for anxiety.  Talking about your feelings and listening to your partner’s will help you trust each other more and reduce anxiety. Let go of the accusatory tone while expressive, be kind and rational.

Do not act on your anxiety driven impulses – Remember, that all that you feel is not rational and could be momentary. Know the difference between your natural instincts and anxiety driven impulses. If you feel anxious when your partner is out with his friend, swamping him with a bevy of messages will not just irk him but also dent your trust in each other. When you feel such an urge, take a deep breath, and reflect.

Talk to a counsellor – Relationships are an emotionally loaded area. A counsellor can bring the neutral voice of reason. It can be hard for us to stay rational or calm when it comes to someone we love. Every feeling, every thought is dangerously flammable and send you into a spiral. A counsellor can help you identify the root of your feelings, communicate better and be calmer. 

Eventually, nothing in life comes with a warranty. Relationships are no exception to this rule. However, good relationships make our lives happier and more meaningful irrespective of the duration that they last. Unnecessary anxiety can sour a perfectly good relationship. So, it is important to learn ways to manage relationship anxiety. “Be with someone who brings out the best in you, not the stress in you.”