Why Self-love is Important?

Self-love is one of many new age buzzwords that is poorly understood. To understand and practice self-love we must understand the concepts of self and love individually. While there are a multitude of philosophies that attempt to describe love and its elements, self-love is not as widely discussed.

Why Is It Important?

Self-love sounds selfish, but it is actually a precondition to be able to love others. One who cannot love herself is incapable of loving those around. Best lovers in the world treat themselves with as much love as they shower on the object of their affections.

Also, when you do not love yourself, it makes it hard for others to love you. How you see and treat yourself has a huge bearing on how the world sees and treats you.

Inability to respect ones own needs and desires and care for oneself as we would care for a loved one leads to several physical and mental conditions. 

Anxiety, depression, low self-esteem, irritable bowel syndrome and general low immunity are some of the many perilous conditions caused by lack of self-love.

Most importantly, you should love yourself because you deserve it and are entitled to it. 

“Love, connection, and acceptance are your birth right.” – says Kristin Neff — a professor of human development at the University of Texas. There is reason that the United Nations has recognised pursuit of happiness as a fundamental human goal.

What is Self-love?

Simply put, it is a regard for one’s own well-being. It means not sacrificing personal well-being to cater to please others. Self-love happens when one recognizes what one deserves and does not settle for less than that, Kristin Neff and his colleagues describe the concept of self- compassion as consisting of the following elements-“self-kindness (i.e., treating oneself with understanding and forgiveness)-recognition of one’s place in shared humanity (i.e., acknowledgment that people are not perfect and that personal experiences are part of the larger human experience) and mindfulness (i.e., emotional equanimity and avoidance of overidentification with painful emotions).”

What causes a lack of self-love?

We all have an internal bully that second guesses everything that we do and finds faults in it. This bully is hard to silence and often leads us to believe that we do not deserve to be loved. That we fall short and are not entitled to any kindness or compassion.

Abuse, trauma, harassment, and bullying make this internal voice louder and more persistent. When others treat us without respect, we start feeling that we deserve it. That somehow everything is our fault, and we continue to treat ourselves badly.

Obsession with perfectionism also comes in the way of loving ourselves. A perfectionist always falls short of own expectations and hence never loves oneself. Such a person is always too hard on oneself and beats oneself blue over things not done right.

Sometimes, it is a matter of belief system and cultural conditioning. We are conditioned to believe self-love is a luxury and not a necessity. Hence indulging in it, engenders guilt. Example – a materially privileged person might feel that they are not entitled to feel sadness as they have everything. Self-love is dismissed as a first world fad*. 

How to Practice It?

• Stand up for yourself – No one else will defend you in the court of life. World is not entirely just, and fair. And lots of times you will have the short end of the stick. What is important is what you fight for what is your fair right. Once you let people push you over, it grows into a habit that will be hard to break. 
• Do not let the pitiless inner critic overwhelm you – Measured self-criticism can help us do better. But when it is relentless and scathing, it kills the last ounce of self-esteem left. Even when you, talk to yourself how you would talkto a friend. Note to yourself what you could have done differently. But stay kind and show compassion. 
• Surround yourself with positive people. Choose people in your life wisely. They shape your life experience. Do not put up with bullies and psychopaths. Friendships that you make and the bonds you forge give the other person the power to hurt you. So make sure they are worthy of it and will use this power responsibly. 
• Find time to do things that bring you joy – Pursuing things for the sheer joy of it is not a luxury, but a necessity to live a gratifying life. You will always have errands to run, bills to pay or some chore to be completed on priority. Assign an equal priority to your leisure and pleasure. You owe it to yourself. Take care of your body and mind. Its up-keep is crucial to your wellbeing. Ignoring the needs of your physical body and your mind is bound to cause damage to you. When you take care of your body and mind, it will love you back. Eating well, staying fit and breathing deep are crucial to self-love. 
• Forgive yourself – You are bigger than your mistakes. Show yourself the compassion that you would show to a loved one. It is not possible to go through life without making mistakes if you are living breathing creature. Beating yourself up over it is only going to damage your self confidence and make you hate yourself. Tell yourself it is ok. You will be better next time. 
• Live intentionally – Anchoring yourself to a purpose is the highest form of self-love. Humans seek meaning and find happiness through meaning. And it is non-negotiable to have a positive sense of self. Aimless drifting causes anxiety and dissatisfaction with life. When we work for a purpose, we become bigger than ourselves and less vulnerable to individual suffering.
• Practice mindfulness– Buddhist philosophy lays a lot of emphasis on self-compassion and recommends a lot of meditative practices to cultivate it. It is not easy and there are moments when the mind goes rogue. But rather than aggressively redirecting it, when we simply acknowledge all that we feel, friction begins to ease. With mindfulness, we can learn to hold ourselves kindly and dearly.

Buddha put it quite simply: “You can search the whole tenfold universe and not find a single being more worthy of love and compassion than the one seated here—yourself.”

Self-love is anything but a weakness. It is the foundation on which our kindness towards others rests. So, be kind and gentle towards yourself and treasure your life. Hold yourself like a mother would hold her infant.

“You can’t pour from an empty cup. Take care of yourself first.”

*Fad → a temporary trend that people follow for a short time.